Ghosting: why does it hurt so much emotionally?

What happens when, after a date, we never hear from the person we went out with again? What are the reasons why our match stopped replying to the conversation we were having on the app, without any prior warning? And what can we do to emotionally manage the weight of these sudden disappearances?

In this article, we will explore one of the most common (and, perhaps, controversial) ways of ending relationships (of any nature, whether family, romantic, friendship-based or otherwise): ghosting – or, in other words, the act of ending a relationship unilaterally by cutting off contact with the other person, without providing any explanation for this decision.

Why do we ghost?

Although this is not a new way of ending relationships, it has certainly grown over recent years, possibly alongside changes in the modern dating landscape and the culture of social relationships through the Internet – when we meet someone online, it may be easier to ignore the consequences of disappearing from someone’s life without warning and simply move on with our own lives.

The truth is that there is not just one reason why ghosting happens – nor is it a situation in which we can say it depends on whether we are “good” or “bad” people – and some people may do it because of:

·      Safety concerns (e.g., I did not feel comfortable on the date I had with this person and I am afraid of continuing to interact with them);

·     Wanting peace (e.g., this relationship causes me a great deal of anxiety and discomfort, so I do not want to interact with this person again);

·     Considering this to be the appropriate and convenient conduct regarding interactions that take place in the digital space, which is itself a highly overwhelming environment;

·      Avoiding confrontation and ending things without a difficult conversation;

·      Believing that it hurts less than direct rejection;

What are the consequences of ghosting?

The undeniable truth is that ghosting hurts those who experience it. Those who engage in it are more likely to express guilt and relief, whereas those who experience it are more likely to express sadness and anger. Overall, it is a frustrating process for both sides, but for different reasons.

Although it is a form of rejection that is not directly communicated, the emotional impact of ghosting is similar to the emotional impact of a communicated and discussed break-up, meaning that we may experience increased levels of anxiety and a threat to fundamental needs (e.g., control, self-esteem, belonging).

Furthermore, in the long term, we may also find it more difficult to trust people who want to build relationships with us and with whom we want to build relationships.

How can we cope with ghosting?

First and foremost, it is important to keep in mind that we cannot control the other person and that, if they have decided to stop speaking to us (even if suddenly and without communication), we cannot force an explanation from them. On the other hand, we can control how we process the end of this relationship, with a focus on our own well-being.

As we have already seen, this phenomenon is emotionally and physiologically similar to a “normative” break-up, meaning that the recommendations given for the latter may also prove useful in managing the emotional stress caused by ghosting.

In a situation like this, we can:

·       Turn to reflective writing – so-called journalling –, which can be a way of managing all the emotions and thoughts triggered by this experience;

·       Seek support from our friends and family (4), with whom we can share how we feel about this situation;

·       Seek support from mental health professionals, such as those available through Ivory Therapy, who can help us analyse and create new meanings for this experience, allowing us to find the closure we need;

·       Limit digital contact (and beyond), by taking a break from social media and/or blocking the person in question;

·       You can also redirect your energy towards hobbies and activities that bring you pleasure and well-being.

What are the key takeaways?

If we had to summarise this information in a shorter message, we could say that:

Ghosting is a painful and frustrating experience, and it is important to understand that it says more about the person who does it than about the person who experiences it. In the absence of certainty, we may be tempted to look within ourselves for answers, which may lead us to question ourselves and doubt our own worth. However, it remains a valid option to use this moment for reflection, provided that we are clear about the responsibility of each party (and that we can seek help from professionals and our social support network in doing so).